I have hit a writer's block. I cannot think of anything to write, and I don't want to start a long story because clearly (As Forbidden Love has proven) I can't finish them. So, comment and tell me what you think I should write on. And I will! :)
Muchas amor! ~ Chrissy
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 23, 2011
Well, I asked for it....
Does this sound familiar?
"I'd rather take bad times with You by my side
Then nothing at all with You gone from my life"
Haha, Our God is so ironic. Be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it! Well, I got it. Praying and praying for redemption, and I get totally ignored yet AGAIN by someone I really care about and just want to be reconciled and redeemed with. But I know what God's doing. He's testing me. "Are you going to trust me when the going gets tough, and it LOOKS like I'm not going to fulfill My promises?"
Uhm, of course. Can't chase me off that easily. ;)
The truth is that the devil can chase me off that easily. Because yesterday, I was on the verge of breaking. I wouldn't talk to God. But He has the Amazing Grace to keep knocking.... keep knocking... Stubborn Christina, open the door for Your Prince... keep knocking... I love you, Christina.... knocking, knocking, knocking.
SO basically, He helped me open the door that was too quickly sealing. God's Mercies are new, EVERY morning. We've just got to remember that. So, today's been a good day, spiritually. Because I came to the conclusion that God is just testing me. Besides, God promised redemption. And I'm pretty sure God even gave me a timeline (kinda hard to explain, so...yeah.). But now He's seeing if I'll really trust Him; if I REALLY want Him through the bad times rather than not at all. And it's true, I want my relationship with Jesus to only grow stronger. But it's hard, having all these bad times, no redemption yet. So I am asking that you'll pray for me. Pray that God will give me the strength to run to Him, my True Lover and True Prince, when it seems like nothing's going the way I want it to go. I've got tunnel vision, but Christ sees the whole view, not just the view from inside the tunnel (though He sees that too... He humbles Himself to see things from our point of view and sympathize with us even though HE KNOWS what's going to happen! (He even does that in the Bible! : John 11) I don't deserve His love.
So I was reading an article. And I came across something amazing.
Lamentations.
Bam. Right there. I know, you just passed out in your chair from all the...amazingness.
No, but seriously! This book is all about the prophet Jeremiah lamenting (hence, Lamentations...) The seige of Jerusalem to Babylon in 586 BC (Babylon was under the reign of King Nebuchadnezzar, remember him? Think Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego). So in this book, Jeremiah is all "Woah is me! Woah is this country. But God is still here. I haven't read it yet, but that's what this article basically said. So in a time in my life where I'm saying "Woah is me... where's the sympathy ice cream?" God has a BOOK for it! Two actually, including Job, specifically devoted to hard times. When I sing Amazing Grace, I really mean it. Because His Grace... is Amazing. It's Awesome. Literally, full of awe. He is FULL OF AWE.
So I have a challenge for you:
Read Lamentations with me!
Are you going through a hard time in your life where you just can't see God involved? Read Lamentations. We'll do it together. :)
Prayer requests (Comment if you have a prayer request):
For me to trust God and have faith. To continue to give everything to Him.
For courage. September's the month of courage, according to 89.3KSBJ. I'm specifically praying for the men in our lives, whether it be fathers, brothers, boyfriends, friends, or anyone for that matter to have the courage to stand up and be the leaders that God has created them to be.
And for all of us. We all could definitely use courage and faith. Give it all to God. I promise you won't be the lesser for it!
While I'm on that note, check out this song from the new movie coming out from Sherwood Pictures, Courageous:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM
Where are you, men of courage?
Let the men of God arise.
"I'd rather take bad times with You by my side
Then nothing at all with You gone from my life"
Haha, Our God is so ironic. Be careful what you wish for, cuz you just might get it! Well, I got it. Praying and praying for redemption, and I get totally ignored yet AGAIN by someone I really care about and just want to be reconciled and redeemed with. But I know what God's doing. He's testing me. "Are you going to trust me when the going gets tough, and it LOOKS like I'm not going to fulfill My promises?"
Uhm, of course. Can't chase me off that easily. ;)
The truth is that the devil can chase me off that easily. Because yesterday, I was on the verge of breaking. I wouldn't talk to God. But He has the Amazing Grace to keep knocking.... keep knocking... Stubborn Christina, open the door for Your Prince... keep knocking... I love you, Christina.... knocking, knocking, knocking.
SO basically, He helped me open the door that was too quickly sealing. God's Mercies are new, EVERY morning. We've just got to remember that. So, today's been a good day, spiritually. Because I came to the conclusion that God is just testing me. Besides, God promised redemption. And I'm pretty sure God even gave me a timeline (kinda hard to explain, so...yeah.). But now He's seeing if I'll really trust Him; if I REALLY want Him through the bad times rather than not at all. And it's true, I want my relationship with Jesus to only grow stronger. But it's hard, having all these bad times, no redemption yet. So I am asking that you'll pray for me. Pray that God will give me the strength to run to Him, my True Lover and True Prince, when it seems like nothing's going the way I want it to go. I've got tunnel vision, but Christ sees the whole view, not just the view from inside the tunnel (though He sees that too... He humbles Himself to see things from our point of view and sympathize with us even though HE KNOWS what's going to happen! (He even does that in the Bible! : John 11) I don't deserve His love.
So I was reading an article. And I came across something amazing.
Lamentations.
Bam. Right there. I know, you just passed out in your chair from all the...amazingness.
No, but seriously! This book is all about the prophet Jeremiah lamenting (hence, Lamentations...) The seige of Jerusalem to Babylon in 586 BC (Babylon was under the reign of King Nebuchadnezzar, remember him? Think Daniel, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abendego). So in this book, Jeremiah is all "Woah is me! Woah is this country. But God is still here. I haven't read it yet, but that's what this article basically said. So in a time in my life where I'm saying "Woah is me... where's the sympathy ice cream?" God has a BOOK for it! Two actually, including Job, specifically devoted to hard times. When I sing Amazing Grace, I really mean it. Because His Grace... is Amazing. It's Awesome. Literally, full of awe. He is FULL OF AWE.
So I have a challenge for you:
Read Lamentations with me!
Are you going through a hard time in your life where you just can't see God involved? Read Lamentations. We'll do it together. :)
Prayer requests (Comment if you have a prayer request):
For me to trust God and have faith. To continue to give everything to Him.
For courage. September's the month of courage, according to 89.3KSBJ. I'm specifically praying for the men in our lives, whether it be fathers, brothers, boyfriends, friends, or anyone for that matter to have the courage to stand up and be the leaders that God has created them to be.
And for all of us. We all could definitely use courage and faith. Give it all to God. I promise you won't be the lesser for it!
While I'm on that note, check out this song from the new movie coming out from Sherwood Pictures, Courageous:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pkM-gDcmJeM
Where are you, men of courage?
Let the men of God arise.
Literacy Narrative 2
So, the last literacy narrative that I wrote wasn't good enough because it was about math, and literacy narratives are supposed to be about reading and/or writing. So, I wrote this one. It's basically a story about what experiences led me to develop different writing styles. I souped it up a bit, and even put a futuristic ending. So, needless to say, it's not real at the end. The rest is, though! It took me a bit longer to write this one than usual papers take me... so tell me what you think of this one please. :)
THE BOY IN THE COMPUTER
She sighs, lifts her hands, and begins to type. The emotions soar through her body and out her fingertips as she elaborates on her side of the story, her fantasy, and her point of view. She invests her time in a soulful poem, where she can truly express her emotions regarding him… the boy she loves; anonymously, of course. She wouldn’t want anyone to know her secret fantasies, her secret love affair; her secret feelings for a boy who could never love her.
Could he ever love me? I think about him all the time, and wish constantly that he were mine... I wish he’d see the light in mine; soft and sweet, deep brown eyes.
She learns to write poems this way. She writes these poems with the utmost emotion and love. As her words are articulated in a rhythmic pattern, she fantasizes on what could be if she were just to express how she feels. But would she dare tell? The only thing she even has the guts to tell is her computer; her source of education, her source of opportunity, her source of freedom. With her computer, she can tell the truth freely, and no one’s there to tell her she can’t. She’s not “wrong”, she’s not “scandalous”; she’s a writer. Creatively and freely, she begins to type a long poem, dedicated to the one and only boy she’s ever loved. Will he ever know? He may never know, but she always will. The poems that she writes daily will stay within the confidence of her computer screen. Smiling, she gently strokes the keys on her keyboard.
He looks at me, his smile’s so kind. I stare at him, lost in his eyes. I’ve never seen such eyes like these. So deep, so sweet, just like the sea.
Years later, will she look at these poems as silly? Or will she look at them as the history of her life? Will she hit the ‘delete’ button with an annoyed expression, or will she smile and compile all the sweet notes she wrote together, and save them forever?
Two years pass. What were ten notes became hundreds by the end of two year’s time. Never had she shown anyone her literacy, her gift for poetry and rhythm, because it’s a secret. The topic with which she elaborates on so freely is a forbidden emotion. Or is it? She’s grown into a free-spirited girl, with long brunette hair and a tall stature, with soulful golden eyes. But those eyes, those riveting golden eyes, hold a secret. They can see through others, but no one can see through them. Though many knock, she refuses, staying loyal to the boy in her computer; the one she’s loved for two years. They’ve started talking now, and it soon becomes clear that the boy in the computer has strong emotions for her as well. Are they forbidden? Not at first. But too soon a more powerful force demands an end. Her golden eyes, filled with tears, watch those notes slip away as she softly hits the delete button. Her secret was harshly rejected, her beautiful writings spat upon, and her emotions trampled on. But she learns the hard way, and
with emotions like Beethoven, she angrily writes. Still, she is not bold enough to expose her secret. Her writings are guarded with top security. She learns to write bitter songs this way. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she presses on the keys of her piano before pausing to write down the harsh lyrics.
“He stepped on the remains of her broken heart, begging for her to stay. He wished he could hold onto her, but it was already too late…”
A year has passed. She’s grown so much emotionally and spiritually, and learns to write beautiful prayers.
“Lord, please help me to stay so strong in You that when you do provide a relationship for me, I will still seek you and not let that boy swallow me whole.”
Her smile shines beautifully through Christ-lit eyes as she writes in her prayer journal. She’s grown into a peaceful young woman, with a quiet and gentle spirit, full of laughter and joy. But she writes with a little bit of a hole in her heart; a strong desire for love… but only from him. She still only loves him, the boy in the computer, and writes beautiful prayers asking Jesus to give her the strength to have patience. Though granted patience fulfills her, she still yearns for him. But with patience and faith, she prepares herself for what God will do in her life. She writes to her Savior, her Unconditional Lover, and her Friend.
“Lord, I pray for redemption and I pray for peace. Peace to watch Your work become complete. I know I can’t see that the end is in sight, I’m caught up on the “troubles” of life. But if I would humbly put my trust in You, I know that You soon will see me through!”
Two years later. This girl comes home from college with an engagement ring on her hand. But who is she engaged to? The boy in the computer emerges into the room as she leads him to her computer. They sit. They read. He is overwhelmed by her love, and proclaims this with a passionate kiss…
…And then, I sigh. But this time, it’s different. It’s a happy sigh. I’m satisfied. And I gently lift my fingers, and begin, yet again, to type.
THE BOY IN THE COMPUTER
She sighs, lifts her hands, and begins to type. The emotions soar through her body and out her fingertips as she elaborates on her side of the story, her fantasy, and her point of view. She invests her time in a soulful poem, where she can truly express her emotions regarding him… the boy she loves; anonymously, of course. She wouldn’t want anyone to know her secret fantasies, her secret love affair; her secret feelings for a boy who could never love her.
Could he ever love me? I think about him all the time, and wish constantly that he were mine... I wish he’d see the light in mine; soft and sweet, deep brown eyes.
She learns to write poems this way. She writes these poems with the utmost emotion and love. As her words are articulated in a rhythmic pattern, she fantasizes on what could be if she were just to express how she feels. But would she dare tell? The only thing she even has the guts to tell is her computer; her source of education, her source of opportunity, her source of freedom. With her computer, she can tell the truth freely, and no one’s there to tell her she can’t. She’s not “wrong”, she’s not “scandalous”; she’s a writer. Creatively and freely, she begins to type a long poem, dedicated to the one and only boy she’s ever loved. Will he ever know? He may never know, but she always will. The poems that she writes daily will stay within the confidence of her computer screen. Smiling, she gently strokes the keys on her keyboard.
He looks at me, his smile’s so kind. I stare at him, lost in his eyes. I’ve never seen such eyes like these. So deep, so sweet, just like the sea.
Years later, will she look at these poems as silly? Or will she look at them as the history of her life? Will she hit the ‘delete’ button with an annoyed expression, or will she smile and compile all the sweet notes she wrote together, and save them forever?
Two years pass. What were ten notes became hundreds by the end of two year’s time. Never had she shown anyone her literacy, her gift for poetry and rhythm, because it’s a secret. The topic with which she elaborates on so freely is a forbidden emotion. Or is it? She’s grown into a free-spirited girl, with long brunette hair and a tall stature, with soulful golden eyes. But those eyes, those riveting golden eyes, hold a secret. They can see through others, but no one can see through them. Though many knock, she refuses, staying loyal to the boy in her computer; the one she’s loved for two years. They’ve started talking now, and it soon becomes clear that the boy in the computer has strong emotions for her as well. Are they forbidden? Not at first. But too soon a more powerful force demands an end. Her golden eyes, filled with tears, watch those notes slip away as she softly hits the delete button. Her secret was harshly rejected, her beautiful writings spat upon, and her emotions trampled on. But she learns the hard way, and
with emotions like Beethoven, she angrily writes. Still, she is not bold enough to expose her secret. Her writings are guarded with top security. She learns to write bitter songs this way. With tears streaming down her cheeks, she presses on the keys of her piano before pausing to write down the harsh lyrics.
“He stepped on the remains of her broken heart, begging for her to stay. He wished he could hold onto her, but it was already too late…”
A year has passed. She’s grown so much emotionally and spiritually, and learns to write beautiful prayers.
“Lord, please help me to stay so strong in You that when you do provide a relationship for me, I will still seek you and not let that boy swallow me whole.”
Her smile shines beautifully through Christ-lit eyes as she writes in her prayer journal. She’s grown into a peaceful young woman, with a quiet and gentle spirit, full of laughter and joy. But she writes with a little bit of a hole in her heart; a strong desire for love… but only from him. She still only loves him, the boy in the computer, and writes beautiful prayers asking Jesus to give her the strength to have patience. Though granted patience fulfills her, she still yearns for him. But with patience and faith, she prepares herself for what God will do in her life. She writes to her Savior, her Unconditional Lover, and her Friend.
“Lord, I pray for redemption and I pray for peace. Peace to watch Your work become complete. I know I can’t see that the end is in sight, I’m caught up on the “troubles” of life. But if I would humbly put my trust in You, I know that You soon will see me through!”
Two years later. This girl comes home from college with an engagement ring on her hand. But who is she engaged to? The boy in the computer emerges into the room as she leads him to her computer. They sit. They read. He is overwhelmed by her love, and proclaims this with a passionate kiss…
…And then, I sigh. But this time, it’s different. It’s a happy sigh. I’m satisfied. And I gently lift my fingers, and begin, yet again, to type.
Reading Responses for English
I'm taking English 1301 this year, and from the looks of it, my professor is VERY liberal, and seems to be very anti-Christian. As you all know, I am a strong Christian, and along with that comes the fact that I am extremely conservative. So, for class every week, we have to turn in responses to articles that she has us read. I really think that I'm baffling her, because I'm not going to compromise my religious and political views for an A in her class. I know that getting a poor grade for standing up for what I believe in and have passion for, in particular my Faith, will not have any affect on what God has for me because God will not punish me for standing up for Him. Nevertheless, I do ask all of you to pray for me, that I will have the opportunity to minister to my teacher and other classmates; and that I will make a good grade in this class. The Lord has already blessed me with the opportunity to share His love with a girl in the class, and she's reading her Bible and considering accepting Christ! Praise His Precious Name! Please pray for her, her name is Myrah. Please pray for Myrah's heart to be opened to Jesus and for her, her fiance, her family, and friends to be fulfilled with an overwhelming realization of His love. Please pray for them to accept Him into their lives.
But back to what I started this blog post for: My reading responses. Below is a link to the website where the articles are held, and above each response that I wrote is the article's name. Please comment, I greatly enjoy respectful debate!
http://sites.google.com/site/englishjtn/home/assignment-sheets
In Suburb, Battle Goes Public
Although I disagree with most of the things in this article, I agree with it in ONE perspective: Bullying, whether directed towards gay or straight kids, is wrong. This ends my concurrence with this article. I believe that homosexuality, lesbianism, bisexuality, and transgenderism are wrong and a perversion of the natural process of sexual relations that were designed by God. Is it so hard to realize that homosexuality is wrong when AIDS is a life-threatening result extracted from it? I personally feel like Christians are getting picked on in regard to their views concerning homosexuality. If you ask us what our views are, we’ll answer. But, we are commanded by The Lord Jesus Christ to “love our neighbor as ourselves” (Mark 12:31). The quote, “hate the sin, not the sinner” applies in this situation. It is wrong for us to bully homosexuals, but we should NOT be required to endorse their behavior. Asking us to do so defies our freedom of religion.
The Misuse of Life without Parole
Life without parole can seem like a harsh punishment, especially for those who have committed more lax crimes than homicide. I personally do not believe that rapists should be forced to serve life without parole. I believe that they should be emasculated or forced to have a hysterectomy, and serve two to five years in prison. Life without parole seems like a very harsh punishment for almost anyone. However, I do believe in the enforcement of the death penalty, but only in cases of intentional, unprovoked civilian murder. In these cases, I personally believe that the murderer should be killed in the exact same way that they killed their victim(s). Why should we let delusional murderers get off with ‘Life with Parole’? Their victims didn’t get an option to live, so neither should they. You are responsible for your actions. Why should we, as a country, determine to take this self-responsibility away? Those who intentionally commit unprovoked civilian murder should die. Period.
Once again, here's the site:
http://sites.google.com/site/englishjtn/home/assignment-sheets
Enjoy! :)
But back to what I started this blog post for: My reading responses. Below is a link to the website where the articles are held, and above each response that I wrote is the article's name. Please comment, I greatly enjoy respectful debate!
http://sites.google.com/site/englishjtn/home/assignment-sheets
In Suburb, Battle Goes Public
Although I disagree with most of the things in this article, I agree with it in ONE perspective: Bullying, whether directed towards gay or straight kids, is wrong. This ends my concurrence with this article. I believe that homosexuality, lesbianism, bisexuality, and transgenderism are wrong and a perversion of the natural process of sexual relations that were designed by God. Is it so hard to realize that homosexuality is wrong when AIDS is a life-threatening result extracted from it? I personally feel like Christians are getting picked on in regard to their views concerning homosexuality. If you ask us what our views are, we’ll answer. But, we are commanded by The Lord Jesus Christ to “love our neighbor as ourselves” (Mark 12:31). The quote, “hate the sin, not the sinner” applies in this situation. It is wrong for us to bully homosexuals, but we should NOT be required to endorse their behavior. Asking us to do so defies our freedom of religion.
The Misuse of Life without Parole
Life without parole can seem like a harsh punishment, especially for those who have committed more lax crimes than homicide. I personally do not believe that rapists should be forced to serve life without parole. I believe that they should be emasculated or forced to have a hysterectomy, and serve two to five years in prison. Life without parole seems like a very harsh punishment for almost anyone. However, I do believe in the enforcement of the death penalty, but only in cases of intentional, unprovoked civilian murder. In these cases, I personally believe that the murderer should be killed in the exact same way that they killed their victim(s). Why should we let delusional murderers get off with ‘Life with Parole’? Their victims didn’t get an option to live, so neither should they. You are responsible for your actions. Why should we, as a country, determine to take this self-responsibility away? Those who intentionally commit unprovoked civilian murder should die. Period.
Once again, here's the site:
http://sites.google.com/site/englishjtn/home/assignment-sheets
Enjoy! :)
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
To Achieve A Dream - Literacy Narrative RD 1
This is my Literacy Narrative rough draft for school. Tell me what you think!
To Achieve A Dream
It happened when I was four. My six-year old brother struggled through “How to Read in 100 Easy Lessons” but I flew through it in a month.
At four.
Tell me how that works? Like the paths taken by the many of the intellectually gifted, I skated through elementary and middle school. It was nothing, really; just school. I never had to work a day in my life at school. Then, the path I followed tread by other brilliant minds met a fork in the road. Algebra cocked its ugly head, and I was expected to conquer it. Well, every rose has its thorn… Or should it be, “every intellectual loses their touch”? I sure did, because no matter how many times Mom explained to me that f(x)=y, no matter how many times she recited the quadratic formula to me, I just couldn’t get it. As I would stare at the formulas, the theorems, the countless X’s and Y’s that covered my paper, my mind would go blank. The kind of blank you hit when you’re writing a poem and you can’t think of a word that rhymes well enough to go with the flow. Yes, that kind of blank. The worst kind there is; as it’s not only frustrating but degrading.
Can I really not get this?
“I really think you’re making this harder than it needs to be,” I hear Mom like a buzzing fly in my ear as my mouth gapes at the impossible formula that portrays itself on my homework assignment.
“Look, honey. All you do is set the equation into ‘y=mx+b’ form and solve. It’s simple graphing from there.”
Again with the buzzing. I know she’s just trying to help, but it’s so hard to listen to someone who’s so good at math… When you yourself stink so much at it.
So much for being smart. So much for being a “potential National Merit Scholar”. I’ll never get where I need to go in life.
“I… I think I need a little break, Mom.”
I quickly get up and dash outside before she can say no. Grabbing my swimsuit, I plunge into the pool. It’s where I do my best thinking, where I can relax. It’s where I can be who I really am, a true fish. But right now, I’m thinking. I’m thinking that I’ve lost my cocky ego. Algebra 1 took care of that, now College Algebra’s destroying any that was left.
You took College Algebra so you could get a better score on the SAT. You can’t score high enough to get you scholarships, or even early admittance, to Division 1 state schools. You know you’d be a legacy at Texas A&M, but I guess that’s never going to happen. You won’t even get in.
Fear of failure spits on my face again. My goggles fog up as hot, salty tears fill them. I retreat to the protection of a shaded pool bench, where I can cry without anyone seeing. I collapse into the arms of Christ as I beg Him to give me the ability to attain an acceptable amount of mathematical understanding.
“God, please!” I cry, barely above a whisper; yet slightly audibly, “I need these SAT scores. With college the cost it is these days, I need scholarship money. Please, Lord; PLEASE equip me with an understanding of math. I can’t go where I want to go in life without it. I can’t go where I feel YOU’VE called me to go without it.”
Flash forward five months. SAT practice test first thing tomorrow.
“It’s your last chance, honey.”
I hear the words my mother recited into my ear just before bedtime a few hours before.
“If this program doesn’t improve your test scores enough, you’ll have to go to community college for two years to get credits out of the way.”
Lost in thought, I know I can’t do this on my own. With the bow of my head and the fold of my hands, I send up a prayer to the One who can do all things.
Breathe in. Breathe out. The essay was easy, so was the Critical Reading. Math’s next. Lord, please help me.
They just started the timer.
Question one, easy. It always is. Question two, same… Question 10 is a tough one… but wait, I get it! Question 16, carry the two… done! Wow, that was simple. I can’t believe I got stumped on a problem like that last time.
They call time, and I’m done with the math section. It was easier than expected.
Two hours later, and SAT math = success. Complete and utter confidence as I walk out of the classroom. Within a week, I’ll get my scores, and can only improve from there until the actual SAT. Maybe it was the hard work? Maybe, but it was also the prayer. With a smile on my face, I send up a thank you to God for His help and guidance.
He’s helping me achieve my dreams.
To Achieve A Dream
It happened when I was four. My six-year old brother struggled through “How to Read in 100 Easy Lessons” but I flew through it in a month.
At four.
Tell me how that works? Like the paths taken by the many of the intellectually gifted, I skated through elementary and middle school. It was nothing, really; just school. I never had to work a day in my life at school. Then, the path I followed tread by other brilliant minds met a fork in the road. Algebra cocked its ugly head, and I was expected to conquer it. Well, every rose has its thorn… Or should it be, “every intellectual loses their touch”? I sure did, because no matter how many times Mom explained to me that f(x)=y, no matter how many times she recited the quadratic formula to me, I just couldn’t get it. As I would stare at the formulas, the theorems, the countless X’s and Y’s that covered my paper, my mind would go blank. The kind of blank you hit when you’re writing a poem and you can’t think of a word that rhymes well enough to go with the flow. Yes, that kind of blank. The worst kind there is; as it’s not only frustrating but degrading.
Can I really not get this?
“I really think you’re making this harder than it needs to be,” I hear Mom like a buzzing fly in my ear as my mouth gapes at the impossible formula that portrays itself on my homework assignment.
“Look, honey. All you do is set the equation into ‘y=mx+b’ form and solve. It’s simple graphing from there.”
Again with the buzzing. I know she’s just trying to help, but it’s so hard to listen to someone who’s so good at math… When you yourself stink so much at it.
So much for being smart. So much for being a “potential National Merit Scholar”. I’ll never get where I need to go in life.
“I… I think I need a little break, Mom.”
I quickly get up and dash outside before she can say no. Grabbing my swimsuit, I plunge into the pool. It’s where I do my best thinking, where I can relax. It’s where I can be who I really am, a true fish. But right now, I’m thinking. I’m thinking that I’ve lost my cocky ego. Algebra 1 took care of that, now College Algebra’s destroying any that was left.
You took College Algebra so you could get a better score on the SAT. You can’t score high enough to get you scholarships, or even early admittance, to Division 1 state schools. You know you’d be a legacy at Texas A&M, but I guess that’s never going to happen. You won’t even get in.
Fear of failure spits on my face again. My goggles fog up as hot, salty tears fill them. I retreat to the protection of a shaded pool bench, where I can cry without anyone seeing. I collapse into the arms of Christ as I beg Him to give me the ability to attain an acceptable amount of mathematical understanding.
“God, please!” I cry, barely above a whisper; yet slightly audibly, “I need these SAT scores. With college the cost it is these days, I need scholarship money. Please, Lord; PLEASE equip me with an understanding of math. I can’t go where I want to go in life without it. I can’t go where I feel YOU’VE called me to go without it.”
Flash forward five months. SAT practice test first thing tomorrow.
“It’s your last chance, honey.”
I hear the words my mother recited into my ear just before bedtime a few hours before.
“If this program doesn’t improve your test scores enough, you’ll have to go to community college for two years to get credits out of the way.”
Lost in thought, I know I can’t do this on my own. With the bow of my head and the fold of my hands, I send up a prayer to the One who can do all things.
Breathe in. Breathe out. The essay was easy, so was the Critical Reading. Math’s next. Lord, please help me.
They just started the timer.
Question one, easy. It always is. Question two, same… Question 10 is a tough one… but wait, I get it! Question 16, carry the two… done! Wow, that was simple. I can’t believe I got stumped on a problem like that last time.
They call time, and I’m done with the math section. It was easier than expected.
Two hours later, and SAT math = success. Complete and utter confidence as I walk out of the classroom. Within a week, I’ll get my scores, and can only improve from there until the actual SAT. Maybe it was the hard work? Maybe, but it was also the prayer. With a smile on my face, I send up a thank you to God for His help and guidance.
He’s helping me achieve my dreams.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Floodgates
Thinking about this drought that Texas is going through and all the widlfires, I suddenly felt like it was directly correlated to my heart. Like, I felt like I was going through the same thing Texas is going through right now. I know that's kind of hard to understand, but hopefully this song/poem thing will clarify things :) --
My soul craves water, to quench the thirst and fertilize my heart
To put out the fires running rampid, on deadened parts
I feel like my whole heart is dying
I feel like my whole heart is dying
My soul needs some rain, it's barren and grave
It's always reminding me ambivalence is pain
My heart gapes for Your rain
My heart cries for Your rain
Send healing rain straight my way
Pounding upon the hard surfaces of strain
And washing away the callouses of pain
Put out these emotionless fires that constantly drain
They drain me from You, Lord
They drain me from You, Lord
Tell me why I feel so broken inside
From the bond I share with thee, Saviour,
My life feels like a lie
Without the floodgates pouring
Declaring Your name
And this land, hence my soul, is so barren and wasted
Reminds me of a flower declined of it's life wish
I'm just beggin for rain, God
Askin' for rain, God
So break the floodgates down
Revive my soul
Put out these flames
That eat away my goal
All I want is to serve You,
All I want is to serve You
I can't serve You, God, when I can't feel You near
And trials are better
It's the nothing I fear
I'd rather take bad times with You by my side
Then nothing at all with You gone from my life
I feel no conflict, no peace
I feel no stress, yet no ease
And it constantly worries me
Am I drifting from the Love that so steadily anchored me?
Yea, and I talk about the water that You send
To this barren, rejected, and dry wasteland
I call it my soul, but it's got to go
Cuz without You, it's just a desert with no hope
So break the floodgates down
Revive my soul
Put out these flames
That eat away my goal
All I want is to serve You,
All I want is to serve You
When I asked You before, You brought sunshine, then rain
And it rained for a year without me hearin' Your Name
And my soul was flooded, earthly possesions were torn away
And left a clean slate for You to write Your Name
Yea, I know it was painful at the time
And every time I let go of a memory I cried
But if that's what it takes for this soul to hear Your Name
And to feel the cleansing sunshine that peeks out from the rain stained leaves
Lord, I know you got much better things to do
But I don't doubt omnipotence so I know You still her me too
I'm beggin You, God, to send the rain that puts out all fires
And help me know that Your love is all I'll ever desire
God, I don't know how much longer I can go without
But You know timing best, I'm trusting You with my soul's shout
And I know in due time, You'll reward my constant knocking, God
So I better prepare my barren fields for rain
Cuz soon enough, You'll be
Breaking those floodgates down
Reviving my soul
Putting out those flames
That are eating my goal away
And I will live to serve You
I will live to serve You
My soul craves water, to quench the thirst and fertilize my heart
To put out the fires running rampid, on deadened parts
I feel like my whole heart is dying
I feel like my whole heart is dying
My soul needs some rain, it's barren and grave
It's always reminding me ambivalence is pain
My heart gapes for Your rain
My heart cries for Your rain
Send healing rain straight my way
Pounding upon the hard surfaces of strain
And washing away the callouses of pain
Put out these emotionless fires that constantly drain
They drain me from You, Lord
They drain me from You, Lord
Tell me why I feel so broken inside
From the bond I share with thee, Saviour,
My life feels like a lie
Without the floodgates pouring
Declaring Your name
And this land, hence my soul, is so barren and wasted
Reminds me of a flower declined of it's life wish
I'm just beggin for rain, God
Askin' for rain, God
So break the floodgates down
Revive my soul
Put out these flames
That eat away my goal
All I want is to serve You,
All I want is to serve You
I can't serve You, God, when I can't feel You near
And trials are better
It's the nothing I fear
I'd rather take bad times with You by my side
Then nothing at all with You gone from my life
I feel no conflict, no peace
I feel no stress, yet no ease
And it constantly worries me
Am I drifting from the Love that so steadily anchored me?
Yea, and I talk about the water that You send
To this barren, rejected, and dry wasteland
I call it my soul, but it's got to go
Cuz without You, it's just a desert with no hope
So break the floodgates down
Revive my soul
Put out these flames
That eat away my goal
All I want is to serve You,
All I want is to serve You
When I asked You before, You brought sunshine, then rain
And it rained for a year without me hearin' Your Name
And my soul was flooded, earthly possesions were torn away
And left a clean slate for You to write Your Name
Yea, I know it was painful at the time
And every time I let go of a memory I cried
But if that's what it takes for this soul to hear Your Name
And to feel the cleansing sunshine that peeks out from the rain stained leaves
Lord, I know you got much better things to do
But I don't doubt omnipotence so I know You still her me too
I'm beggin You, God, to send the rain that puts out all fires
And help me know that Your love is all I'll ever desire
God, I don't know how much longer I can go without
But You know timing best, I'm trusting You with my soul's shout
And I know in due time, You'll reward my constant knocking, God
So I better prepare my barren fields for rain
Cuz soon enough, You'll be
Breaking those floodgates down
Reviving my soul
Putting out those flames
That are eating my goal away
And I will live to serve You
I will live to serve You
Candle in the Dark (You Ain't Dead Yet) Rap
I walk among a sea of faces
Unfamiliar, strangely vacant
I search for light within this darkness
But peace is found with no one, they're helpless
With destitution they walk around
As if life's a game and there's no way around it
No hope, no love, no truth to their lives
But hopelessness is something we all dislike
I see it everywhere, it's the most popular garb
Where is someone who cares, where is the candle in the dark?
Then I glance around, why are they looking at me?
I'm no one special, just a normal teen
Then I realize that I'm the candle, the light
The flicker of hope in the darkness of night
I glow with a light that only One can supply
My tender spirit isn't mine, but I won't deny the truth in the Light that invigorates me inside
It ain't me, it's Christ, He died for my life!
Listen, all y'all, lost in your ways
Christ gave up His life so you could be saved!
On a tree He hang so you could have a choice
Decision if you want to stay dead or come alive
It ain't rocket science, it's easy to decide
Come alive in Christ, He's the Way, Truth, and Life!
Don't participate in a sea of lost faces
Work against the crowd, rebel from Satan!
Don't let the prince of darkness capture your smile
And disfigure it into something sick and defile
Why you waitin'? Time's runnin out!
Never know when you're goin, when your time runs out
Take the chance while you can, it'll soon be too late
Don't you hear Jesus sayin' "I'm coming soon, don't wait
or prorastinate, be ready for the wedding, cuz the bride groom don't wait" so TURN AWAY
from those sick perverted ways
You ain't gotta die, when life's in your way!
Get over your pride, son, it won't get you far
Grab at the chance you got, don't let your life go to far
And suddenly hit an ex-pir-a-tion date,
when you're up in the clouds,
Man, it's already too late.
Get off your high horse, repent of your sins
And listen before the clocks ticks the end.
Unfamiliar, strangely vacant
I search for light within this darkness
But peace is found with no one, they're helpless
With destitution they walk around
As if life's a game and there's no way around it
No hope, no love, no truth to their lives
But hopelessness is something we all dislike
I see it everywhere, it's the most popular garb
Where is someone who cares, where is the candle in the dark?
Then I glance around, why are they looking at me?
I'm no one special, just a normal teen
Then I realize that I'm the candle, the light
The flicker of hope in the darkness of night
I glow with a light that only One can supply
My tender spirit isn't mine, but I won't deny the truth in the Light that invigorates me inside
It ain't me, it's Christ, He died for my life!
Listen, all y'all, lost in your ways
Christ gave up His life so you could be saved!
On a tree He hang so you could have a choice
Decision if you want to stay dead or come alive
It ain't rocket science, it's easy to decide
Come alive in Christ, He's the Way, Truth, and Life!
Don't participate in a sea of lost faces
Work against the crowd, rebel from Satan!
Don't let the prince of darkness capture your smile
And disfigure it into something sick and defile
Why you waitin'? Time's runnin out!
Never know when you're goin, when your time runs out
Take the chance while you can, it'll soon be too late
Don't you hear Jesus sayin' "I'm coming soon, don't wait
or prorastinate, be ready for the wedding, cuz the bride groom don't wait" so TURN AWAY
from those sick perverted ways
You ain't gotta die, when life's in your way!
Get over your pride, son, it won't get you far
Grab at the chance you got, don't let your life go to far
And suddenly hit an ex-pir-a-tion date,
when you're up in the clouds,
Man, it's already too late.
Get off your high horse, repent of your sins
And listen before the clocks ticks the end.
Saturday, September 10, 2011
The Drought
I walk the streets alone at night
The lamplight casts a shadow despite
my desperate need to hide from light
depressed forlorn, and tired of the fight
I strain to hear you call my name
But when we parted, you looked away
You looked back only when I faced front
Your pride wouldn't let you admit lost love
I scream your name into the night
Too far you are, to hear my sighs
You whisper in your solitude
Yet fighting for me would be "so crude"
I edge along the brink of flight
About to fall into the darkness of fright
One scream from you could save my life
Yet you refuse, you unrelentlessly grip your pride, and lose mine
I let go of the railing of hope
And fall into the despair below
Suddenly, regret washes over my frame
I jumped too soon, I am hearing my name!
It's gently, yet loudly, stating clear as day
The love it has always proclaimed
I'm caught in a gust of mercy and grace
In hopeful tears, I await Your Face
To the top, into light, I am brought
And shining on me with unconditional love
Is a Lover Who promised never losing my trust
Boy, you lost your chance now!
In anger, I cried;
Gripping to the Only One Who cared for my life
Yet gently, He whispers, with softest tones
A remedy and mend to my broken soul
And firmly, He whispers
"Oh ye of little faith!
I caught you, did I not?
Do you not think he fell the same?
Catch him, I shall, for love him, I do
Just as much as I love you
And in time, your redemption will come, but not soon
Replentish your walk with Me
I shall direct your feet."
With tears in my eyes, I look at my Redeemer
His eyes, shining blue, crystal, but clearer!
Grace adorns His face like a gentle silk garb
Mercy wraps around me as I huddle in His arms
I bury myself softly into His scars
Ashamed that my addictions caused the gapes to be so large
Out of Him emits Faith, Hope, Love, with pure taste
His Forgiveness surrounds me in His sweet embrace
Then all of a sudden, I glance up in awe
For he to lies in the arms of our God
We smile at each other, His Grace is apparent
No walls block our friendship, but more is forbidden
"More must be done," We hear up above,
"Trust me, soon, you shall see my work done."
I awake from this dream with unimaginable bliss
I smile on my pillow as I continue to think of this
A sound emerges from my window, I get up and stare
For Healing Rain is presented in much wanted care
Raining on fires and smothering the drought
And fertilizing my soul, with promises of end to this drought
I fall to my knees, His Grace is MORE than apparent
I dance in this downpour with a smile, I am living
With Joy and Peace, my soul surrenders to resting
For reminded again, my Redeemer is near
I must last through the drought, but rain ALWAYS appears.
The lamplight casts a shadow despite
my desperate need to hide from light
depressed forlorn, and tired of the fight
I strain to hear you call my name
But when we parted, you looked away
You looked back only when I faced front
Your pride wouldn't let you admit lost love
I scream your name into the night
Too far you are, to hear my sighs
You whisper in your solitude
Yet fighting for me would be "so crude"
I edge along the brink of flight
About to fall into the darkness of fright
One scream from you could save my life
Yet you refuse, you unrelentlessly grip your pride, and lose mine
I let go of the railing of hope
And fall into the despair below
Suddenly, regret washes over my frame
I jumped too soon, I am hearing my name!
It's gently, yet loudly, stating clear as day
The love it has always proclaimed
I'm caught in a gust of mercy and grace
In hopeful tears, I await Your Face
To the top, into light, I am brought
And shining on me with unconditional love
Is a Lover Who promised never losing my trust
Boy, you lost your chance now!
In anger, I cried;
Gripping to the Only One Who cared for my life
Yet gently, He whispers, with softest tones
A remedy and mend to my broken soul
And firmly, He whispers
"Oh ye of little faith!
I caught you, did I not?
Do you not think he fell the same?
Catch him, I shall, for love him, I do
Just as much as I love you
And in time, your redemption will come, but not soon
Replentish your walk with Me
I shall direct your feet."
With tears in my eyes, I look at my Redeemer
His eyes, shining blue, crystal, but clearer!
Grace adorns His face like a gentle silk garb
Mercy wraps around me as I huddle in His arms
I bury myself softly into His scars
Ashamed that my addictions caused the gapes to be so large
Out of Him emits Faith, Hope, Love, with pure taste
His Forgiveness surrounds me in His sweet embrace
Then all of a sudden, I glance up in awe
For he to lies in the arms of our God
We smile at each other, His Grace is apparent
No walls block our friendship, but more is forbidden
"More must be done," We hear up above,
"Trust me, soon, you shall see my work done."
I awake from this dream with unimaginable bliss
I smile on my pillow as I continue to think of this
A sound emerges from my window, I get up and stare
For Healing Rain is presented in much wanted care
Raining on fires and smothering the drought
And fertilizing my soul, with promises of end to this drought
I fall to my knees, His Grace is MORE than apparent
I dance in this downpour with a smile, I am living
With Joy and Peace, my soul surrenders to resting
For reminded again, my Redeemer is near
I must last through the drought, but rain ALWAYS appears.
Monday, September 5, 2011
Remember Me?
Remember me?
I remember you
I knew you before the world was
I was your best friend
How could you just leave?
I paid the price for you
I set you free..
Now do you remember me?
I set the world into motion
and I let you have your dominion
but you made things vile and not what I had intended
I forgave..
You and I have a love story together
One like has never been written
I hold out my hand to you
and yet you refuse help
you are like the dog returning to the vomit
there will come a time when your pride ceases
there will come a time when I spit you out of my mouth
because you were neither hot nor cold
I will turn you away and shun you because I never knew you
do you remember me?
Get to know me!
You stubborn people!
you refuse to allow me to work and to love you
how long must I wait for you
to recognize the face of your Savior
I am your Father, Lover, Healer
come to me
allow me to guide your paths with my gentle loving hand
allow me to engulf you in my arms
I don’t promise things will be easy
in fact I tell you now they won’t be
you will be persecuted and shunned just as I was
but my great and mighty name will not be ignored
and my will WILL be done
I am merciful
come back to me dearly loved
stop running, you cannot hide from me
I am not angry
just grab my hand and hold on tight
don’t waste your life with games
live it for me
because that is what I have created you for
you see my glory all around
yet you do not give credit where credit is due
you hold back your praises from me
so I will hold back my blessings
I am jealous for my people
I want you.
Do you remember me?
Please remember me..
..
Wish I could take the credit for this one... Credits to Mary Lee Kirkham. Love you girl! Your walk with Christ is admirable!
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